by Ben Monks
Dear Users of the men’s bathroom,
What I’m about to talk to you about might anger you. You might not agree with me. Maybe you don’t think it’s as big of a deal as I do. You are the type of person I call wrong, because this subject is very important. In fact, it is the most important thing ever discussed in the history of man, you heard me. You may now be wondering, “what is this uber (you better pay me for that product placement Uber) important topic this man (boy) is going to talk about.” The topic is of course bathrooms. I have a lot of problems related to bathrooms. No, I don’t mean those kinds of problems. I am able to use the bathroom perfectly fine. My problems are more with how the whole bathroom experience works. So sit back and relax. You might want to grab some popcorn, a pillow, and use the bathroom, because this may take a while, and there’ll be no bathroom breaks (get it because I’ll be talking about bathrooms for a while without a break. I’m so funny. I wish I had friends).
The first of my problems on my never ending list of bathroom related problems is the refusal to use the middle urinal. For some reason this is an official rule in the “Bro Code”, which is extremely idiotic—because why? Just look straight ahead the whole time you are peeing. It does not have to be awkward. It is only awkward if you allow it to be awkward. Some of you might be saying to yourself, “What’s this guy’s problem? It doesn’t even make a difference.” First off, no. Second, shut up. Third, yes it does make a difference. I can understand if you don’t want to use the middle urinal when there are other urinals open, but when the bathroom is busy, your nearsighted refusal to use the middle urinal is causing the line to grow longer and longer. Why? Why do you do this? Why are you the way that you are? I have to pee and so does everyone else in this line, so stop being weird and just use the middle urinal so as to make the process a little less s****y for the rest of us. Not all people are this way. Some people use the middle urinal in busy situations—not all heroes wear capes, so thank you bathroom heroes for all of the great things you do.
The next of my problems is actually related to my last problem. To save myself from having to wait in the ridiculous line bathroom villains have created, I skip the line and use the urinal everyone else is refusing to use. Cool. No problem right? Except for yes, very big problem apparently. Every time I do this my fellow bathroom mates look at me like I have just committed murder. I am sorry for using the open urinal that nobody else was going to use. I don’t know about you but I have a class to get to. I can be cool with you not using the middle urinal, as long as you don’t get upset with me for using it.
Next up is the fact that some people, some very very special people, when using the urinal will turn their entire body sideways and pee into it from the side. I don’t really have a problem with this; I just think it is extremely weird, and thought I should talk about it. I have concluded that the reason this happens is because some people don’t know how to use a urinal and are too scared to ask someone how. Well fear no more my sad, troubled friend, for I am going to explain it to you. First, walk into the bathroom (surprisingly the hardest part). Next, locate the urinal (also pretty difficult), then stand directly in front of the urinal, not to the side, definitely not below, and dear god please do not stand on it. After you have successfully stood in front of the urinal you can start doing your business. See, not that hard. So easy a baby could do it (low key just high key insulted you). Congratulations on now being able to function properly when using a urinal.
My last problem is not a single problem, but actually a lightning round of problems. People don’t wash their hands. NO! BAD! VERY BAD! That’s gross. Washing your hands is easy and quick. I did a “scientific” study and discovered that it takes about 10 seconds.10 seconds! That is a very short amount of time. So short that you’re not even saving any time by not washing your hands. Just do it please, and no, just using water does not count. There has to be soap involved. Also, people don’t flush the toilets. No joke. I have witnessed not one but like a billion urinals that have gone so long without being flushed that when I try to flush them they literally overflow and almost get pee all over me. Flush. Please. Lastly, the thing that makes me the angriest. Bathroom passes. Really? We are not in third grade anymore, so let me go to the bathroom whenever I want and how ever many times I want. That is a constitutional right that you can not deny me, so get your stupid unconstitutional passes out of my face.
Thank you for taking the time to read my letter. If my words have offended you, get over it. I didn’t really say anything offensive. If you don’t agree with me, good for you, feel free to debate with someone else about it because I don’t want to talk to you. If you feel the same way as I do, you are awesome (high five) and please help me make the whole bathroom experience a little less awful for everyone. As the great and intelligent Donald Trump (jokes) said, “Let’s make America great again [by using the bathroom like a regular human person, and not being weird, or gross, or dumb].”