By Alex Reinsch-Goldstein
In what must rank as one of the least surprising things to happen this month, President Trump made people upset. While this in itself is nothing new--he is almost always upsetting someone, in such diverse ways as directing the almighty fist of God in the form of Hurricane Dorian towards Alabama with the power of his Sharpie, or by inviting the Taliban over to his place for terrorism and chill at Camp David--the reason for it is new and exciting enough to merit the full ire of the United States House of Representatives. Earlier this week, it was revealed by a Washington Post exposé that an official within the U.S. intelligence community had filed a whistleblower complaint with the inspector general describing a conversation between the President and an unnamed foreign leader. In the complaint, the official said that President Trump had made a promise in conversation with the foreign leader which the official found especially troubling--troubling enough to lodge a formal complaint within the department. The House has already begun an investigation to get to the bottom of this piping tea. What the promise was, who it was made to, and what import it had for the national security interests of the United States are unclear at the moment, and at the moment the headlines concerning this story boils down to “Breaking: President Trump Did an Unspecified Concerning Thing.” This coyness will not stand! In the tradition of the mainstream media nowadays, I would like to expound a few theories without any evidence whatsoever. Below are my top five candidates for who President Trump spoke to, and what he told them.
#4 Rodrigo Duterte
The eccentric, exceptionally angry president of the Philippines is a good friend of Trump’s. He also wants to eliminate everyone who sells drugs. I can visualize a conversation in which Trump promises to build a Trump Tower Manila in which Duterte can lock up all the drug dealers.
#3 Hans-Adam II, Prince of Liechtenstein
Hans-Adam has been prince of the tiny European nation since 1989. I can imagine a conversation in which Trump calls up Hans-Adam to congratulate him for thirty years on the throne and to promise to find out what Liechtenstein is no later than 2020.
#2 Angela Merkel
Maybe Trump called Angela Merkel to find out what it’s like being leader of the free world.
#1 Winnie the Pooh
Winnie the Pooh has been President of the People’s Republic of China since 2013. Since Trump assumed office, Pooh and El Donald have fought repeatedly on issues of trade, with the conflict between Trump’s isolationism and China’s world-swallowing expansionism resulting in a trade war which has been the greatest catastrophe in the history of world soybean trade. Maybe Trump and Pooh called to resolve their differences, and Trump promised to look less like a pot of honey.
That wraps it up for this week’s compilation of salacious gossip.