By Alex Reinsch-Goldstein
The word passes fearfully around from classroom to classroom, like news that the Germans stand ready to invade at Calais or that Cardi B has dropped another album. “Next week is WASC week,” they say. My primary reaction, along with many others’, was “What the hell is WASC week?” Well, my friends, here follows exactly what WASC week is and what we’re supposed to do about it.
WASC stands for Western Association of Schools and Colleges. A sort of oversight board dedicated to accrediting schools in California and Hawaii, along with such august domains as Guam and the Marianas Islands, WASC has a number of standards which they use to decide if a school is a respectable institution. They send people to your school and, if these standards are met, give it a sort of sticker of approval which keeps anyone from ever saying that your school is sketchy again. Understandably, schools don’t like people calling them sketchy, and so they want things to be looking their best when WASC week rolls around.
In the days to come, a group of people from WASC will be roaming the campus. They are said to be beings of immense power, ten to fifteen feet tall, with robot arms and M-97 grenade launchers instead of hands. Equipped with hive-mind technology, they can transmit even the smallest disapproving thought to the WASC mainframe, where it is numbered, catalogued, and stored for review. They are empowered to revoke your constitutional rights without notice or warrant. If they ask you a question, there is only one acceptable answer--and only they know what it is.
Things are going to be pretty strict around school next week--they have to be if WASC is going to give us the accreditation we need. The ritual usually held at 1:07 pm in the B Building bathroom is cancelled for the remainder of the week. Any person caught engaging in acts of moral degeneracy will be pelted with rocks until they feel sufficiently bad--these acts include, but are not limited to: appearing unhappy, appearing dissatisfied, appearing happy, appearing content, appearing, cursing, taking the name of The WASC in vain, and eating three calcium gummies instead of two. A sacrificial rite will take place to welcome the WASC delegation: a pile of snacks from Rite Aid will be presented and then burned as an offering. Students are liable to be taken in for questioning at any time. Do not be afraid: this is only to determine whether students’ opinions about the quality of the school are within the acceptable parameters. If they are not, have fun in Guantanamo.
Remember, you are allowed to say and think whatever you want, as long as it is not remotely negative. Just say that CCA is the greatest academic institution to exist since Socrates cut class to sip hemlock. Toxic culture? What toxic culture? I’ve never heard of any such thing. The students here are always happy and the lunch line burritos are always flavorful. Children and parents and teachers all get along in outstanding harmony. We are not a pressure cooker. We are a microwave roasting children to perfection. Everything is perfect. Everything is fine.
I wish all of us the best of luck, and may WASC have mercy on our souls.